Robert

Blast from the Past

2008-05-28T13:08:26Z

So yeah, I was randomly trying to get one of my old hard drives to work with my old computer and I got thinking about what crap I still have on them and I remembered Yare the wonderful "Yet Another Ragnarok Emulator" is somewhere on one of those hard drives so I thought hm that's been what two years at least since I played around with my horribly unstable Ragnarok Online server. Long story short I managed to find a more updated and playable one that is somehow amusing at the moment. Something about spawning 2000 porings and crazy stuff like clones now just makes me laugh. Sorry my two clones killed your evil clone Jason :(

"Not even my Father hit me like that.."

2007-10-29T11:04:58Z

Arg... Does anyone else think it's rude to not return someone who's supposed to be your friend's calls? I've left like two voicemails on his damn phone and Lee just won't call me back. I can understand if you're busy or whatever or you just don't want to talk on the phone. But I don't even avoid calling my family for 2 weeks if they've left a message.

That new guy at work stares at me, it's kinda creepy.

Being drunk is the highlight of my life, sad..isn't it?

Why am I such a loser that people avoid me or don't talk to me when they are supposedly my "friends"

When it comes to women, do I have a sign on my back that says: "Nice guy, please walk all over me, use me, make me attracted to you, crush me and then ditch me." Sometimes I wonder. I guess I just don't understand. It's not even so much the attraction, it's just I really miss certain people who have hurt me and removed themselves from my life. I mean if I can't have you at least treat me like you used to when we were close friends. Instead it's all taken away from me. I guess I've been thinking about people lately. Who knows I'm kinda drunk so I'll stop rambling.

Go get 'em Guy

2007-10-28T11:04:08Z

Ugh lately the selfish, inconsiderate, self-absorbed people of this world are making themselves more apparent and noticeable and I hate it. So there's this new guy that works up front and my boss is convinced he's gay.(He did get extremely excited and cheer when Sex and the City came on TV in the break room). Okay so I am set to go on my lunch break and I snagged a healthy choice microwave panini sandwich from the frozen aisle because they were on sale for 2 bucks and they are pretty tasty. I go up to pay for it and the guy(Brian) just randomly exclaims "God you sure eat a lot, I can't see how you're so skinny." For anyone that wouldn't know, for some reason EVERYONE and their grandmother seems to think and openly voice that same opinion to me at some point up to and including my boss at work. So in my head I am just wanting to scream OMG I AM SORRY I'M NOT FAT GO TO HELL. It just pisses me off because that fag doesn't even know me or anything about my life and to just run his mouth like that without even thinking about what he's saying or how it might affect the person he's speaking to is so selfish and rude. Just because comparing what he has seen me eat at work to what he eats he figures he'd be fat if he ate that much so automatically assumed I should be as well. One of these days I am just going to snap on these unsuspecting idiots that decide they feel like speaking out their ass and say look you piece of shit, I eat ONCE a day and I'm sorry it just so happens to be at work while you might catch a glimpse of me eating, and I'm sorry that in the past five years my life has been shit and sometimes I'd be lucky to even eat once a day because I needed to pay bills instead of eating so the one time I do eat during the day is a tad bit bigger than the portion you think a "skinny" person should be eating. I ate a bag of popcorn, some chips and the panini which was healthy choice for God's sake and drank some raspberry iced tea.

Sometimes I wish I could just erase stupid people from existence. Well here's part two of my semi-rant post. "Friends" are really starting to frustrate me again as well. Lee has ditched me for over two weeks now? He doesn't return my calls or reply back messages since his so called "helping Dave" when Dave seemed to be playing on xbox live. Really I don't like to think badly of people but there's just really a part of me that thinks he's just stringing along this friendship so that he won't have to pay me back the 600$ he owes me. Thinking he can treat me like shit and act neglectful and rude and ditch me when we're supposed to have plans. But I think next time I actually get in touch with him I'm seriously just going to flat out put it all on the table and say look we don't hang out much anymore which is fine and if things fall in my favor I may be moving in the spring and I'd like you to start paying me back the money you owe me or come up with some plan yourself to pay back the money because I feel I have been plenty patient and you've had a good steady job for 7 months or so now, I've seen you buy stuff and go to Cons so there's no reason you can't tone town the video game buying for a couple months while you pay me back the money. At least I'm hoping to have some sort of speech like that, and hopefully he'll agree to my terms or unfortunately I'll have to take him to court.

It's All About the Ruples

2007-09-23T21:41:09Z

Heh. Went to Lee's party last night and actually had a pretty good time. Got wasted. Apparently I harassed everyone about crazy things, not in a mean way though so hopefully my company was enjoyable. It seems I was a little upset to discover that Warioland 4 had things that looked like ruples instead of the typical coins most mario franchise games have and I let everyone know about it haha. Harassing Marce because she mixed all my drinks with diet coke instead of regular and they all tasted like crap and apparently declaring war on Yuri. An overall good time though and after all the problems going on it was kind of nice to feel like I had a normal life again.

At What Point Does It Become Too Much?

2007-09-21T13:02:51Z

I seriously just need to get some words out.

I lost it again, probably worse than I have in a very long time. It's kind of a long story so I will try to shorten it to save some time for anyone that actually reads this.

I began to notice it at work around the middle of July so I kind of did some "intel" work behind the scenes to gather up some evidence but pretty much for a long time I have been convinced that the assistant department head or manager or whatever you want to call them over my area has had a problem with me. But my boss goes on vacation so our department is left to the assistant for a week and I notice I start getting merchandise/stock in that the computer is not ordering and that I don't need. Not wanting to insult this man's intelligence regardless of the fact he is a complete and utter moron I think to myself well he has sight problems maybe he's not paying attention well so I start scanning through my own orders after he does to make sure it's correctly done and I notice he is specifically ordering certain things I don't need and it is continuing. So I mention this to my boss when he gets back and he shrugs it off because he's the kind of person like most people that work there that have been there for 20 years and couldn't care any less if they don't have to deal with it directly. So finally I get in a case of pecans when there was 16 on the shelf still and we'd sold 7 in a month and I take one up to the assistant Dave and call him out on it. I said what's the deal we didn't need to get this in we hardly sell any to begin with you're just ordering me crap I don't need. He replies if they will go on the shelf he's going to order them. So I take the new ones and put them in a display in a different aisle thinking maybe being in two locations they would have a better chance of selling and I cleared it with my boss and he said that was fine. Next week he does it again with something else, almonds I think and now I am getting frustrated and I take them to my boss and I said he's either doing this on purpose or he's an idiot. My boss knows the guy sucks at ordering he screws up stuff all the time but he's too lazy to deal with it because he doesn't want to order himself and he just doesn't care. More time goes by and what do I get in another case of the same stupid pecans that I took to his face and told him I didn't need. We hadn't even sold a single one from the other aisle either so there was no reason for it. I went to my boss and I said look I am tired of dealing with his crap and it seems like he is doing it on purpose or he is just honestly stupid. I said from now on I don't want him in my aisle, I will order my own peyton and my boss said that was fine or he would do it himself. So my boss forgets to tell Dave and I order my stuff and it's like 5 minutes before quitting time and everyone else leaves and I noticed nobody filled the water display and if nobody else does it unofficially I am supposed to so I went to pull out the pallet and do it myself and here comes Dave from ordering and he starts griping at me that I don't need to be messing with the numbers in the order gun and that I need to get my stuff done on time or quicker and I simply reply that my boss and I had talked about it and I ordered my peyton that night and that's why it took me longer to get done and he snaps back at me that he just ordered my stuff and I kind of looked at him like and I am thinking to myself that doesn't change the fact I ordered already or that it took me longer so I repeat what I just said again and all this while I am hauling out this huge pallet so I start to continue what I was doing and he just wouldn't stop running his mouth and he follows me out as I start to fill the display saying I don't need to be ordering my peyton because he just did and I am getting frustrated now and I say well that's wonderful it got ordered twice to which he replies again that I don't need to be ordering if I can't get stuff done quicker/on time. So then I kind of snapped back at him that if he would learn to fracking order,(no I didn't say fracking I began cursing at him hahaha) then I wouldn't have to. So yeah then more yelling and arguing ensues as I call him out on all the stuff he had been ordering me I didn't need and that before he gets on me about how I do my job he needs to learn to do his own fracking job correctly and his eyes get big and he yells 'Excuse me?!' and I snap back "You fracking heard me I didn't stutter." and he asked if we needed to take this upstairs and I snapped back again No Thanks I would like to get my damn job done so I can go home. It was quite nasty. So he finally walks away and I leave and then I came in early the next night and told my boss what happened and he said well I was wrong for yelling at him but he shouldn't have followed me around bothering me about it if my boss said I could order he should have dropped it and that if he was going to continue he should have taken me off the sales floor or gone into the dairy cooler and we could yell, scream, curse, whatever we wanted because nobody could hear. I said I honestly think he has something against me, he never speaks to me. Not a hi or goodbye, he is talkative and jokes around with the other coworkers but the only time he speaks to me is to get at me about something. I said I just can't deal with it anymore. This is borderline harassment material and I am tired of people walking all over me.

The next night it appears he speaks with him in the conference room and I am hoping things will improve. Well I was wrong, oh yes this is just the first instance not even me losing it this morning. That was a couple weeks ago.

So last night the computer went crazy and sent me a bunch of crap I didn't need. I get the scanner gun and check numbers to make sure there isn't an error. If there is I will continue to get this extra junk weekly and if I don't fix it nobody else will so it's just more work for me to deal with. It is getting late and Dave comes into my aisle and asks if I have ordered yet and I said no. I was down to my last few boxes for that aisle and Bob comes down and brings me a scanner because he was done with it so as I am finishing up I scan things here and there to start checking through the order. Dave comes down my aisle scans a few things and says I need to finish up the cases in the aisle before I start ordering. Which he was just being a jerk because hello I had two cases left which would take all of 2 minutes to put up. So I concede and put up the last two and then scan some more. Oh what do I find? The regular salted peanuts says there's 29 but there is only 4 on the shelf and guess who decided to order another case. I track him down because I freaking caught him red handed. I walk up to him with the gun and show him and ask if he ordered this. He says yes and I say well I am removing it because we have display racks that also have the same stuff on them and I had talked with my boss the previous day about whether he wanted to order to fill the displays or to take from the display and fill the shelf. He said they were changing the displays around and for now just pull from there to the shelf rather than order more. Rather than admit he made a mistake he says "Well I didn't know about that" in kind of a snide, smartass tone. I look at him and throw my hands up and said "THAT is why I order my own now" and I start to turn around and walk away. He raises his voice at me and says he is going to order if I have not finished. I kind of cut him off, I turned around real quick and snapped at him not to raise his voice at me and he starts to yell again and stops and tells me to go into the back. Which basically cut me loose to say whatever the heck I wanted. Most of it is a blur because I was so fired up and upset that he is continuing to run his mouth we argued and then he told me to go into the cooler and I tore into his face yelling and screaming that I was tired of being treated this way and that I know he has been doing it on purpose and if he has a problem with me he needs to come out and say it to my face because I am sick of it. I yelled some more about the ordering thing and that my boss gave me permission. He tries to yell for me not to raise my voice at him but I shoved the comment down his throat screaming back in his face that my boss said I could yell/scream all I wanted in the cooler because nobody could hear. I told him I don't give a frack whether his name tag says assistant on it or not, I refuse to be treated like I am a piece of crap on the bottom of his shoe. Finally he decided he was losing the fight with words or something who knows but he took his only trump card and took the pansy way out. He ordered me to put the scanner gun away and finish my stuff and at that point it just made me so sick I wanted to kill him. He used his authority card on me and I couldn't do anything about it. I tell him I am sick and possibly having something like an anxiety attack, my hands were all shaking and I was so upset and angry I wanted to just vomit. He says I can't go home. I tried the discriminating card but he didn't go for it, he stuck to his authority card and said he doesn't care what anyone else says or said and that I need to do what he says and if I clock out and walk out the door I no longer have a job. I so just wanted him dead. If I ever thought I was capable of harming someone to that point or doing something illegal of that nature man I don't think I have ever come closer to wishing harm on someone and wanting to do it so badly as I did this morning. Which kind of fascinates me. I know I am intelligent and realize the consequences of crazy actions but it makes me think at what point do these people that go on shooting sprees and murder people get pushed past their limits? I know it's not always about those issues causing people to do those things. Some people just get enjoyment or think they're better than the law and won't get caught or whatever. But say the school shootings or things of similar nature, what pushes these people/kids beyond their rational thought limits? It's intriguing, I swear if I had the attention span and effort to do it pursuing some sort of psychology studies would have probably been enjoyable. Anyways, I was so upset I almost walked out the door anyways but because I have responsibilities like bills and feeding myself I don't have the luxury of doing anything like that. So I had to bite my lip and finish my stuff but I finally broke down and shed tears. To just get pushed so far to where you are overcome by that hopeless feeling, the feeling that you are powerless and that somehow society lets people like him get away with treating someone this way and the "status structure" society has built protects him and it just makes me sick. That's why I say if I was unintelligent I probably would have lost it completely and done something bad or at least I can completely visualize it. Then again I have this own sense of self-justice where people like him don't deserve to live in my world and an idiot like him doesn't deserve to spawn children. haha I guess I really am disturbed. So I probably embarrassed myself in front of everyone that saw tears running down my face, I don't think I had done that so much since I was a kid but I figure that's a better way to vent my emotions/frustrations than something destructive or self-destructive or wasting away with liquor again...

But yeah it's been a pretty miserable past few weeks but I am off today and took Saturday off for Lee's birthday so hopefully I will feel a bit refreshed by Sunday. I talked to my dad for a while just now and he gave me a big lecture but said that if my boss won't do anything about Dave's behavior that I need to decide whether I want to do something about it and talk to HR about harassment or hostile work environment kind of stuff because I shouldn't be having yelling matches in the cooler or be brought to such a stress level that I am having a breakdown. He said issues like that they should take seriously and allow me to transfer if I would like. Then he also said to look for another job and that Tim is going to call my dad the minute he knows about hiring for Blue Ash because that's the kind of guy he is and that hopefully that would be a good opportunity for me.

dethan @ 2007-05-07T23:28:00

2007-05-08T03:29:09Z

I think I did the right thing...but why do I feel so dead inside...?

sigh...

2007-03-25T11:23:48Z

So wow something actually happened worth writing about because it's really bothering me. Except i'm not going to write about it, just going to update this instead because it makes me think about it. I feel so unwanted heh...and i've probably lost someone really close to me because of it...it's hard to even put to words. Dont' talk to drunk people kiddies....bleh.

In other news, my little cousin died last month. His leukemia finally got him...he was only 11 and had been battling it for years. I still have no day job and have no money lol I haven't really eatten in days....and by next month either they'll get pissed off enough to shut off cable and internet or i'll have to cancel it because i can't pay. I've already had the heat off for a month and a half to save on electricity.

So apparently Lee's buick that i had been storing in the theater parking lot was broken into recently...which is funny because it sat there for about 6 months while i worked there and never had any trouble then not even two months after i'm not working there anymore it magically gets broken into and now they're wanting to tow it or something haha. Lee isn't exactly being too helpful either....he won't return my calls and hardly gets in touch with me....i have a feeling we're going to lose touch and he's gonna fuck me over for the 600 dollars he owes me...friends are so great. Worst part is i'm almost out of alcohol so I won't even be able to use it as an escape from this horrid life.

lol it's sad i've also burried myself in wow. I started talking to Valerie again and she drug me to her server only to end up ditching me like everyone else i've tried to play that game with...hell i dunno if Lee even plays it anymore...but i wouldn't know because he hardly gets in touch with me. I made a level 60 blood elf priest in about 24 days worth of playing haha. Okay i'm depressed and the alcohol is too tempting so i'm out.

Röyksopp - Remind me

2006-09-23T11:09:12Z

woo

2006-09-19T14:02:21Z

It's been quite a while but oh well, nothing really worth updating lately. I finally ended up moving out of that hellhole of an apartment into an actual complex. Unfortunately juggling around these junker cars is posing me some problems. I got ticketed while I was on vacation last week. But the ticket was wet and smudged and I can't read the date so God knows when the court day or whatever is. If I get arrested one day for a 20 dollar ticket I will not be happy. It's actually nice to have a real apartment and room to hold everything.

Been trying to cut back hours at Kroger and pick up more + overtime at the theater because of my growing hatred for all that is Kroger. So two weeks ago I said I needed Thursdays off from now on and two weeks later all he does is have me leaving early every night on a normal schedule. So I told him I can't work Thursdays and he flips out and makes a big scene in front of customers saying I never told him about that and I only said I needed hours cut. So yeah I was pretty aggravated, and he pretty much called me a liar in front of several customers. Getting really close to just quitting or transferring or something. I'm still fairly confident I can get on at meijer if I need to, but staying with Kroger is more convenient.

My vacation was actually very enjoyable. Nothing fancy. I worked at the theater during the day most of the week but I took Monday off because it was my mom's birthday. She was driving through town so I took her out to lunch at Chedders and we went shopping and spent the day together which was nice. Then I went up to Columbus, Ohio because Lee was having a birthday party type thing at Marci's. It was a blast, we got there Friday night, went out for Chinese Saturday afternoon and then partied and got drunk that night. Had pizza from a place called "Hound Dogs" which was awesome. Drunken scherades or however you spell it haha. Then Sunday we went home and George got a ticket going 90 in a 65. But overall a fun weekend. Lee got me a tachikoma model that is a rather rare find over here, you have to paint and glue it yourself...fancy heh. Anyways that's all I feel like writing for now. Later

bleh

2006-07-13T13:55:20Z

What better excuse for an entry than a rant heh. Apparently a former mechanic of 4 years knows shit compared to my dad who's never worked on a car himself a day in his whole life, and because I listened to this former mechanic, the condition of Lee's car right now is all my fucking fault. God he pisses me off sometimes. what the hell else am I supposed to do. First off the damn car has tags that are 6 months expired, not to mention the car is in Lee's mom's name and the registration papers aren't even signed. That's like a ticket to jail waiting to happen right there. Now lets add the leak in the brake line compounded with alignment/bearing issues, and now this morning losing power steering, the battery light coming on, dumping a load of antifreeze and the shredding of half of the belt....we're talking no less than 500 dollars more than likely. When the guy from work fixed the brakes and said there was an anti-freeze leak but that nothing else major seemed to be a problem i'm going to listen to this guy so I don't have to spend any unecessary money on a car that's not mine. But apparently my dad thinks I should have taken it in someplace to have every test and it's mother run on the piece of shit to find out what's wrong with it....and what exactly would this accomplish you might ask? Absolutely fucking nothing. It wouldn't matter if they said the damn thing was going to explode, I don't have the money nor the desire to spend the money I do have to fix major problems on the damn car. So then i'm like well Toyota and some other places are running some trade in deals this weekend, that might be somethign to look into and he's like Oh no, nobody will give you a lone, you have a bad appearance. Jesus Christ does he know the city I live in? If those fuckers denied every person because of their appearance you'd see hundreds of fucking rednecks walking the streets without cars. OH MY FUCKING GOD MY HAIR IS LONG FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...BIG FUCKING DEAL. It's not like I just crawled out from under some overpass wearing nothing but a cardboard box and a sign that says "help a former veteran in need" on it. So now he's coming over in 4 hours to put antifreeze in the car so I can drive it someplace to begin wasting money. God I just want to die sometimes this life just fucking annoys the hell outta me. Bleh and Jen is gone for 5 days with her bf so i've no-one to talk to and ramble on about on msn.

It's been a while

2006-06-22T10:51:57Z

Well i'm finally going to update this thing. Lets see, last Friday night I went to a bar with Mike, hadn't had anything to eat and got really drunk. Then people gave me free food and I got treated to waffle house all star breakfast afterwards as well, sobered up within a couple hours while eating and no hangover so all in all a great time.

This week has kinda sucked though. lol i don't feel like writing more. Maybe i'll update more later.

Random Short-lived Entry

2006-05-18T00:55:03Z

So here I am laying on the couch again, another day off wasted to the sleep God. The sleep God attacks whenever possible due to my overworked and sleepless nature, demanding 8-12 hours of my life at a time.

It's 8:36, oh please Da Vinci Code come in soon, i'm anxiously awaiting a phone call to go build that so I can screen it tonight. I'm not sure why i'm so hyped about the movie, I didn't read the book and i'm not a huge Tom Hanks fan but I guess it kind of looked cool. I invited a couple guys at work and good old Mike Yunker to come screen it with us tonight so hopefully it gets here, because I haven't eatten today and there is pizza to be ordered and soda to be had as a movie is to be watched. I'm lame, oh yes I know. But isn't upbeat lame-ness better than the normal dull/dreeryness?

In other news i'm procrastinating kick-starting the whole moving thing, and I haven't told my land lord and he's either gone for days now or they've all died somehow. I'd prefer the latter of the two but it's been nice and quiet the past several days.

I did finally get a replacement xbox360 from Best Buy. The Geek Squad faggot tried to tell me I couldn't swap the hard drives so I could save my data when the two service desk girls I had talked to previously assured me I could. Am I a bad person? but some guy works there said hi to me that used to ride the same school bus I did in high school and I can't for the life of me remember his name haha it makes me chuckle actually. I know i'm horrible. I went and said hi and shook his hand and played it off cool though. I do tend to forget people who forget me first.

Forgive my spelling but Tom Delonge's? new band Angels and Airwaves has an interesting sound, I would recommend at least giving the cd a listen. A different sound than Blink's (duh different musicians)but still holds Tom's influence well, I guess if you enjoy his music... but I dunno I kind of like it.

When will it shatter? When will my world come crashing down again?

2006-05-07T09:20:48Z

Well look at me, i'm updating. Besides slowly losing my sanity here's what's going on:

- I'm becoming pudgy and unattractive(if I ever was to begin with).
- Working two jobs is destroying me slowly.
- Everyday is an adventure just to get out of bed, let alone hoping I actually am able to wake up on time to my many alarms buzzing.
- Being late to work like everyday is going to catch up to me soon...
- Lee is going to be moving soon and I still need a car.
- His Buick is decaying slowly.
- I'm going to be moving by the end of this month?
- I have no friends other than Lee and I often drink away lonelyness.
- Why am I so nice to people that use me? I practically threw 600 dollars away because of it.
- Music and anime are my solace.
- Important people are slowly forgetting about me.
- Bill Gates owes me a new xbox360.

dethan @ 2006-03-11T18:41:00

2006-03-12T00:04:07Z

Well i'd like to say things are better but it seems like anything that happens good is only a temporary fix. After talking with her befor I thought things were really looking up even if I had to start from scratch and yet now almost 3 days have gone by since she's spoken to me. Her aim and msn are always set to away even if she is there she doesn't answer and the only time she changes to "online" is when that girl gets on aim. She still has been posting and changed her char's avatar to a dominatrix look on Gaia >> so I know she's been around but just not talking to me. False hopes and broken promises, well maybe not even that but I trusted her words and I guess that's why this is still so hard.

Did have a semi-amusing thing happen. I had a junkmail from this "rate me" website I signed up for almost 2 years ago that I haven't been on in almost a year saying I had a comment. So I checked it out and some cute but young girl had left me a comment. I dunno I kinda got a kick out of it.

Well I think I've pissed off my boss at Kroger, he cut back my hours this next week from 40 without saying anything to me so i'm guessing he noticed i've been late often lately since I got back on at the theater. I guess if it gets any worse i'll have to look for another job again. Hmm now that I think about it maybe i'm just being paranoid but seems like maybe she is purposefully changing her schedule around so she's always away when i'm home, she does know my work schedule because she used to make sure and try to be around to spend time with me when I got off work...bleh she's still on my mind a lot.

N>New girl who's sweet, cuddly, and affectionate L/O

2006-03-09T10:46:10Z

Well she's semi-talking to me but still feels cold as ice and each time she cuts things short because of some reason, which makes it apparent she doesn't want to talk to me really. I'm doing better though, I don't constantly hurt when I think about her or the situation like I have this past week. It had gotten to the point i'd be so worked up and stressed I couldn't eat during the day while working at the theater. I'm sure she'd still make a one-night stand out of me if given the opportunity, but i'm still wanting more from her so it does still hurt at times. I'd even be happy to go back to the flirty friendship we've had for a year or so. Anything is better than being alone again.

Well Jason messaged me the other day, most likely because he was drunk but it was still nice to talk. Our friendship has been immensely distant and yet we can talk with each other like we'd seen each other yesterday so I guess that's something to be treasured. He's doing quite well it seems, he's got a solid job and probably looking to go to school in the distant future. Something that is stil hazey for me. We even talked about the possibility of getting an apartment, which is probably the only hope I have at cutting expenses, being able to work less hours, and also being able to afford digital HD cable lol. We were going to get together yesterday but it didn't work our I guess, which tends to be the case often.

I passed inspection with my land lord today I think, although I still have computer junk laying around, he realized i'd made a big effort and made the place look better and that this place is too small for me and i'm going to have stuff laying around. So hopefully no eviction for me. I do plan on beginning to look at apartments regardless. I'm still ready to move on and be done with him.

I also downloaded the cd Mylo - Destroy Rock & Roll. A guy I work with gets EW magazine and leaves them in the booth desk so I was reading and they recommended the cd. It's nothing outstanding but very easy listening if you like techno-ish kind of sound, it's not raver techno as I said kind of just easy listening. Rather Pleasant to listen to while writing this heh. Well I think that's a large enough update.

Whispering in your ear....

2006-03-08T22:34:20Z

Well I did my usual stalking of her in the morning after work. She must think i'm an idiot, although she doesn't know I have her AIM I don't think but she has idle set so I can tell if she's there or comes back or not. She makes of excuses for why she's not there when it's fairly obvious she is >>. So I messaged her and said look I know that you are there and told her if she really doesn't want to talk to me or wants to be rid of me to just say so. About 5-10 minutes later suprise I get a msesage, and she's pissed off at me lol. Apparently she doesn't like it that I know when she's actually online and pretending to be away. She said she needs some "time to herself" which translates to "time away from me" and she asked if the thought ever crossed my mind that maybe she was away because she didn't want to talk to me. I said look, if i've done something to make you not want to talk to me i'm sorry and we should at least talk about it because i'm clueless, I have never treated her badly. She seems cold towards me as well. Not a hint of emotion or affection that she used to have and I asked her why that was, what I had done to make her push me away and she said she didn't know. Then she tried to double back and blame her actions towards me on how i've been acting lately, she said she gets aggravated when I leave messages saying I know she's there and asking why she won't talk to me. Which has nothing to do with it, i'm happy for her that she wants time to herself, everyone needs it sometimes, although i'm convinced that's not the case for her because she has plenty of time to invest in this girl. But what I am concerned with is that when we actually do have time together to talk then she usually busies herself with other things and seems disinterested, which is a huge change from how things were. To which she still couldn't give me any explanation as to why. Yeah I guess i'm bad for taking on stalker-ish characteristics(not that i've let her know). Is it wrong to want answers? So she cuts our conversation short and we part ways and I passed out from my alcoholic buzz. I wake up later and she's actually not away for once, but who else is on but the girl. So I message and ask if we could maybe talk some more because things got kind of cut short, she says no she's going to bed soon and then goes silent. I waited 5-10 minutes and said well I guess we're done talking lol and she replied "yeah" so I said she was probably too busy talking to the girl and she replied that she wasn't and that she was really going to bed...which my intuition tells me was a lie because 20 minutes later she finally puts up an away message. I dunno I don't like acting this way, i'm not a stalker...honest lol. I just don't like not knowing and having no explanations.

Drifting

2006-03-08T10:30:28Z

So this is like day 3 not having even received a reply to my many IMs i've left her. She's sick with the flu, yes and I was concerned about her and just wanted to know how she was doing but amidst being sick and in bed she does however manage to get to the computer to update her Gaia character and mess around on the forums, but can't even drop me a little message saying hi or what-not. She's drifting away and now even the friendship I held dear is fading away. If only she wasn't all I had maybe I could just let go, but she's so close to perfect as far as what I want I don't think I could whether I wanted to or not. It's the first time in so long I found someone I wanted first that also wanted me back. I know she didn't want anythign serious but before she developed this crush on that girl things were great, it was what I looked forward to every day when i got up was being able to talk to her, she was affectionate and sweet and we would just sit on msn and talk about tons of stuff. Now i'm lucky to catch her for a half hour because i'm not important enough for her to think about me, her drawing and sleeping and obsessing over this girl outweighs my worth in her eyes. I guess the worst part is she admits to treating me badly and says she wants to change things, yet i'm not worth the effort for her to invest her time towards making a difference. She'd rather be reading or drawing or thinking about the girl. All I want is a little attention, is that too much to ask?

Distant Melodies

2006-03-07T23:57:25Z

Well things aren't getting better with her, i'm just fooling myself to think they will. I almost wish i'd kept my feelings to myself, she interacted with me more before we got things out in the open than she does now. Although the situation is complicated she told me her latest obsession over this girl wouldn't change anything between us but I should have known better than to let feelings develop for someone who's bi and uncommitted. I also kind of realized i've become emotionally unstable when it comes to relationships, affection/love/whatever you want to call it, and intimacy. After anyone i've tried dating crushes my heart i've really been unable to recover until someone else comes along to pick up the pieces, which is sad because I once praised myself for my unwavering towards emotional damage from people. I should never have warmed my heart up to anyone in the first place I guess. Bah, I am weak.

dethan @ 2006-03-04T02:24:00

2006-03-04T07:26:09Z

Things with her are better I think? On the other hand I fell asleep tonight which was my only time to clean up the apartment for Monday lol. Well if I get evicted i'll probably be gone for a while.

You wonder why i'm broken

2006-03-02T11:24:02Z

Well a lot has been going on lately, that'd be great if only it wasn't all bad things. Still working about 70 hours or so every week and weekend before last the landlord leaves me a phone message saying he'd been trying to get ahold of me. My phone has been screwy lately so I hadn't received any calls from him. He has decided to put his house back on the market for the second time. This man is an idiot, he thinks he can sell an overpriced piece of crap house somehow without taking care of problems that need to be fixed. His idea to fix a water damaged ceiling tile is to just pull out a can of spray paint and cover it up. It needs to be replaced. The faded old metal fence out front, instead of polishing it up or using some sort of restorer, he buys silver spray paint. Little did he know when it rained apparently there's an agent in the paint that didn't react well to rain water, brown possible rusty splotches have appeared all over the fence making it look worse than it began lol. So I talk to him like Tuesday maybe and say i'll try to start cleaning up my place but with working so much it may take a while because I only get a day or two to myself during the weeks. So I start to work on the bathroom last wednesday but I was very tired and slept most the day so I didn't have time to do much, he calls Thursday all pissed off because I hadn't called him back to let him know when he could have a realtor come out. He said "Look i've given you 2 weeks to get this done and I can't wait any longer--" I cut him off and said excuse me I hadn't heard anything until this past weekend, that's barely 1 week, and I had picked up some extra work hours because they were missing an employee at the theater so I haven't had much time to work on anything yet. He then replies "Now I know you've been at home 3 or 4 days this week, i've heard music and laughing--" I cut him off again and said no, i'm sorry I dont' have more than 2 days a week off and that's if i'm lucky, I had my friend over one night this week and that was it, any other time i'm home it's either to sleep before work again or in between jobs getting ready for work. So I argued with him about it a bit more, somehow he had it in his head all this time existed that didn't because he continued to say 2 or more weeks notice and 3-4 days off. I finally said look, honest to God I haven't had more than 1-2 days off this week and I hadn't gotten a chance to work on much. More talking but what it boiled down to was an indirect threatening of being evicted if I don't do what he says. So yesterday wednesday i had a morning off I spent 4 hours of my precious sleep time to do some work around here and now before monday which is when he wants it done the only other time off i have is friday evening. So yeah very stressful lately.

I also found out the last of my friends are moving once their lease runs out in 4-5 months. Lee and George are going to get a place with their friend Yuri who already lives in Columbus, Ohio, where some of their other friends live and go to school. So basically I get left behind. I barely talk to anyone online anymore, there are two people and one of them is another big cause of why things have been going bad lately. Of course it's a girl and she can either be my best high or my worst hangover. Lately though i've felt much worse than a hangover because of her. It's my own fault for letting myself get involved, her situation is a bit complex. We have had feelings for each other for quite a while but went about a year of friendship without saying anything, but since we have things hit off well but then nose-dived because of a certain reason, She even admitted she's treated me badly and wants to change and yet because of the situation i've become less important to her and I guess not worth the effort. So I don't know she says she still has the feelings, but we're drifting farther apart and it's breaking me at the same time. I don't feel very comfortable discussing the situation so i'm not going to write about it. The other person I talk to still, Ashley, is probably the only reason i'm still sane. Probably the closest thing to a best friend I have right now. It's sad really, I wake up every day to chat with these two, I look forward to it and it's probably the highlight of my days. If I lose the one because we continue to drift apart my life will return to being useless and empty. She is what keeps me going lately and unless I can replace that sort of feeling and relationship with someone I think I will fall apart. I've noticed that every time i've been ditched it's taken someone as a replacement or improvement for those feelings and the relationship to keep me going..bleh i'm tired and totally lost that train of thought. I've written to long as well and now down to 3 and a half hours until work again =(

Women bring out the Emo in me.

2006-02-19T11:14:04Z

I'm starting to become worn out from my busy schedule. For that reason and one other just about every day now i'm at least 20 minutes late to Kroger lol. Sometimes as much as an hour late. My body is tired and the mind over body thing just doesn't seem to be working. Some days I even set my alarm later and later each time it goes off until I can't help but be late because there's no time left lol. Then I get home from the theater with about 45 minutes in between having to leave for Kroger and I try to squeeze in a power nap, which I completely fail at because once I do I can't get back up for an hour.

I'm slowly battling an oncoming bout of depression again I think. This neverending grind of a schedule that doesn't change and accomplishes little just eats away at my mind. I stood and chatted with the pepsi rep. at Kroger several nights ago, we got to talking about stuff and my age came up and he asked if I had gone to bars on my birthday and I said no I had to work on my birthday last year. Then he asked if i'd been to a bar or club at all with friends and I said no because I don't have free time or friends to go with and he gave me this suprised which then turned to a pity look and said that sucks lol...pretty much sums up my existence right there. Ah then there's the other probem but I brought it upon myself so it's not worth mentioning but it all kind of mixes together and leaves me feeling pretty down.

I have been thinking a lot lately, I came to the sad realization the other day that comparing myself to a sponge seems to suit me well. Not literally of course but i'm the kind of person that feeds off of other peoples' ideas and emotions. I'm not sure exactly for what purpose, maybe just to feel accomplished or like I belong but I dont' really have any origional talents or characteristics to show for myself. For instance sitting in high school not being able to figure out what to do with my life, because I don't excell at anything, nor do I enjoy much of anything enough to pursue a field of expertise. My dad always said well you could have been an artist, you can draw really well. To which I replied, the last piece of doodle or artwork you could have possibly seen would be gradeschool or jr high and all through gradeschool I mimicked every drawing idea from my best friend Rusty Morris and in the later years most of my comics and stuff I drew, the ideas came from Jason and they were crappy doodles, nothing more. My dad also mentioned writing, which I could tackle although it would take quite a bit of effort and I would need to have ideas from someone. I've never been able to write well on my own, hence why my written papers always seemed dull and sometimes plagueristic or however you spell it. I don't know how to write things in my own words well I guess. Then there's playing the saxophone, well besides inherited talent all my talent came from my ability to listen to something and imitate what I had heard very well. I went through jr high listening to Erik play and then imitate him and sound great, that's why I was always second chair and never first because he would dump hours into private lessons and practice and all I would have to do is hear him play it a few times before I could pick it up. Granted I had a blast playing in band and it probably saved me from being a complete social outcast in high school but I never tried hard because it stopped being fun when I did something difficult like try and practice to improve. Sadly the same went for other classes as well and I had mediocre grades and even didn't do as well as I should in classes that were near my interests. I never could get the hang of computer programming so I usually copied most of the assignments from someone. I'm not sure the point of all this anymore lol but I guess it's just become more apparent how much of a failure I am and that it's what I deserve I guess for how i've went about my life the past 5 or more years. Well this has gotten long and i'm down to less than 4 hours of sleep until work so i'm out.

dethan @ 2006-02-14T02:48:00

2006-02-14T09:09:28Z

Which feels worse, conscious abandonment or being forgotten? For someone to give their word lets say even for something as small as a phone call or rendezvous. Would you rather them forget about you completely, or consciously decide upon something more important without bothering to let you know? That seems to have become a more frequent occurance for me as of late. I'm not sure why I let it bother me, why I even care. Most of the people are just online aquantances, but I guess I let them become important to me, put trust in people where I shouldn't have perhaps. I kind of wish that just once, I wouldn't be disappointed countless times by someone I want to place trust in and have be important to me, but maybe that's too much to ask from this world. So happy Valentine's day goes out to everyone that has experienced love and all of it's pleasantries for lack of a better word. Maybe one day i'll come across someone that will love me back, instead of these one-sided attempts at love i've experienced in the past which have only left me abandoned and forgotten.

dethan @ 2006-02-09T00:39:00

2006-02-09T05:40:35Z

I'm such a fool.

Your Promises, they Sound like Lies.

2005-12-28T13:49:52Z

Why can I never be attracted to a gorgeous girl that actually shares the attraction? Life is cruel and I guess i'm ugly lol.

dethan @ 2005-12-24T11:41:00

2005-12-24T17:01:46Z

It had been a gradual dislike up until this year I think. But now I think I have developed a hatred for Christmas that will probably stay with me until I die. I've come to hate it and everything about it, minus the religeous aspect. lol I would have to say Jesus is probably the only pleasant thing I can say of Christmas now. Mainly what's killed it for me I think is i've worked 6 out of the last 8 days running on only 4 hours of sleep or less and having to put up with twice the amount of work because of Christmas and the lousy self-centered customers that come along with the season and a couple other incidents. Then my one window of relaxation and enjoyment I wanted to have out of this whole damn week was to go to the expo center today and check out the laptops they had for 200$ but no, we got out an hour and a half late from work and I fell asleep as soon as I sat down without having set my alarm early enough. So although I got 3 hours of sleep instead of 2, there wasn't enough time to do my shopping, go to the expo center and then still make it down to Lexington in time. So between driving and loud and crazy relatives, I don't even really consider this to be a day off. Then tomorrow is Christmas day and even though I had my availability off, they scheduled me at the theater anyways and Rusty scheduled me at midnight at Kroger even though I worked last Christmas. To make things even better my ex-gf quit the theater again so they asked me to pick up her shift Monday morning, and my next full day off isn't until Friday. Which could bring about a whole different rant about New Year's but I don't have the energy to write anymore and I gotta leave for my mom's. Maybe i'll doze off on the way there and wreck and die. That would probably be the best gift I could get.